the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.