Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.