Ha.
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say