I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before