We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.