[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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I hope it’s French Onion!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
🤣
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands