I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?