MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
broke down and did it
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.