If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
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This hospital has everything
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”