I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Festive toon…
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations