i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
You Might Also Like
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
How actors in movies eat their food
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.