*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You Might Also Like
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
PLOT TWIST:
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.