It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
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The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.