My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.