Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*