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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
THIS HEADLINE
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror