I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
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do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Air conditioning – not a fan
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.