If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
What is going on? 😅
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%