me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.