Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
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Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.