Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
wishing you and yours all the best
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Breaking news:
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”