I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Confused owl: What?!
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.