Why I divorced her.
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*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’