My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Perfect.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
It doesnāt matter whatās behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, youāll get there..
Unless itās flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they donāt catch up…
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Me to fly that wonāt leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Iām going to a dinner tonight for my husbandās work and he said, āTonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.ā
0 for 3 so far.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentineās Dayā¦
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If youād like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british šš
āAre you sure you want to close 58 tabs?ā no Iām not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, Iām going to say āwhatever is easiest for you.ā
That way it seems like Iām being really nice and I donāt have to make a decision.
Like certain sexual acts Iāve engaged in, I donāt want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and thatās all that matters.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves