Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.