14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.