*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: