“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
😆this is so true
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”