wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.