fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Well, shit
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.