comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.