Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
groan^2
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream