*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather