angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
handsome & gretel
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.