Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.