You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.