Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
The best plant holders?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.