Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
They’re the worst 😩
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast