My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
our love story in four pictures
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me and the Superbowl rn
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat