“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.