Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge