good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”