[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits