Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
You Might Also Like
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANC脡: Yeah…hi
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that鈥檚 not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My coworker鈥檚 out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don鈥檛 even match my clothes to my clothes.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I think she is an organ harvester 馃馃 #tinder #tinderindia
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Babies won鈥檛 eat food unless they think it鈥檚 an airplane because all humans are born believing they鈥檙e godzilla.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.