WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
how to exercise your calf muscles
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.