I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
No laws when master is gone
Tuesday
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”