Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Lmao
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant