Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
WTF
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.