“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I ate everything, including the H.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
ready to be harvested
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I want to meet the individual who made this
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.