receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
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“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper